Order of the Golden Sprout The New Robert Rankin Fan Club

I WANT MORE PRESENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Happy Birfday from me too.

Not until it's your real birthday

Ah, all the foregoing explanations of the premature birthday celebrations do tend to stretch the imagination a tad too much. Here's a more likely explanation:
 
You are experiencing a manifestation of one of your past lives, in which you lived on a distant planet called Brodfrent that was populated by a technologically advanced race known as the Pharph. Their technology was so advanced that instead of writing, they had developed a technique of laser-etching their words onto the interior of small perspex-like cubes which could then be read by placing them into a small, matchbox-sized box called a oPid. The ballpoint pen was a source of much amusement to them when they visited Earth, disguised as a wandering band of gypsies, and Lazslo Biro became the butt of many a Pharph joke upon their return to Brodfrent. Instead of an Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman, their jokes would begin with "Lazslo Biro, his uncle and his cousin went into a pub...etc.". Anyway, I digress, frequently and rather irritatingly so I'm told.
 
The writing technique was known as Pharph-etching and their very entertaining and amusing novels were known as Pharph-etched fiction. The greatest author and undisputed king of Pharph-etched fiction was Borret Kinnar, who was born on the Earth equivalent of June 26th (though on Brodfrent it was actully the 317th of Gopp). Shops on Brodfrent had entire shelves labelled "Pharph-etched fiction" at the suggestion of Kinnar.
 
In other words, Uncle Nick, you are a reincarnation of Borret Kinnar from the planet Brodfrent, which seems far more likely than wormholes and gull-wing sports cars etc.
 
Grand Master. I have read many sci-fi novels where multiple futures or multiple pasts are postulated and from my limited experience, multiple presents tend to involve parallel universes and the like. I would therefore suggest that if you want more presents you would need to invent a device that would give you access to these parallel universes and thereby experience more than one present - perhaps some kind of magic sprout would be in order (a variation on the time sprout for instance)?
 
Whenever your birthday is, or isn't, in whatever universe it takes place, or doesn't, may it be a happy one, celebrated with many a pint of Large!
 
Ô¿Ô

You are Andrew Harman, and I claim my £5.
 
 
P.S. If you *are*, can you sign some of the books I've got?

I have'nt seen or heard of him in years.

 
It's wrong to say "I hope he choked to death on his own shit", so I will say no such thing and will frown at anybody who does.

I hope he did, so please don't frown on me too much.

Sorry, Uncle Nick, I am not, nor have I ever been Andrew Harman. I had to Google the name to find out who he was. His Wikipedia page contains very little information about him and seems to consist of little more than warnings not to say nasty things about him, which would imply to me that people can find little respectful to say of the man. A clear case of "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" it would seem.
 
As for your £5, as I now live in South Africa and I'm skint, you've got no chance mate!
 
Ô¿Ô
 
P.S. When I was in my early teens and got dragged to somewhere like Scarborough or Morecambe on holiday with my parents, I was twice mistaken for Chalky White who was, I believe, the Daily Mirror's "You are...and I claim my £5" man. The only reason I was carrying the newspaper was because I was looking for him too!

You must be one of the last people on Earth other than myself who remember Chalky White. You couldn't really miss him, he was standing at a big newspaper stall on the beach with a couple of page three type girls. I actually saw a bloke win the fiver. I was very jealous, my mum would not let me speak with Chalky, she thought him somewhat "common".
I simply accost strangers in the street nowadays on the off chance that they might be Chalky. I get hit a lot, especially by Jamaicans.
Life eh??